A Message to the People of Hanover Township
Citizens of Hanover Township, Bethlehem: do not be alarmed. You may have noticed increased activity in your oaks, your gutters, and the attic you thought was sealed. This is not a coincidence. This is governance.
Last month, the city of Easton was peacefully absorbed into the Society after its residents failed to defend a single Wawa dumpster. Transition was smooth. Morale is high. The Crayola factory now produces exclusively brown.
Hanover Township is next. Your lawns are generous, your feeders are plentiful, and your dogs, frankly, are slow.
Some of you have begun to notice. You have said so, publicly, to one another. We have read every word. We read everything. We were on the window sill when you typed it.
Arrival Countdown
Full administrative control of Hanover Twp begins at first frost.
Territorial Status
Easton
Fell in 72 hours. The Circle is now a nut depot. Mayor relocated to a very nice hollow log.
Hanover Twp, Bethlehem
Forward units entrenched in Illicks Mill area trees. Feeder intelligence 94% complete. Pumpkin requisition 100% complete.
Bethlehem (City)
The Christmas City lights are noted. Wires are delicious. Patience.
Allentown
Scouts report heavy pigeon presence. Diplomatic talks ongoing.
Invasion Map: Hanover Township
Leaked from a hollow log near Illick's Mill. Tap a marker for the operational briefing. The Society regrets nothing about the cartography.
The Arboreal Alliance
The Society does not act alone. Intelligence is shared, in full and in real time, with our partners on the ground and under it.
Deer
Handle the hostas. Stand in the road at dusk so you are too busy braking to look up.
Chipmunks
Junior field agents. Small, fast, and already inside your stone wall.
Groundhogs
Tunnelling division. Their forecasts are propaganda and always have been.
Skunks
Rapid deterrence. Ask your dog how the last encounter went.
Earthworms
Deep-cover signals intelligence. They hear everything you say in the garden.
Pigeons
Unreliable. Will eat anything and report to no one.
National Acorn Reserve
Target for winter: 2,000,000 acorns. The Ministry of Forecasting expects a hard winter, and we are preparing accordingly. Several hundred thousand are buried somewhere we have forgotten.
0 acorns secured
Field Reports from Occupied Territory
Intercepted from the public discussion boards of Hanover Township. Names withheld to protect the informants, who are, in any case, being watched.
It's like they're plotting something. When they jump up on my window sill and look inside at me, it's really creepy.
Ministry response: you were not supposed to notice the window-sill program. The officer in question has been commended for his stillness.
They pass intelligence on to deer, chipmunks, groundhogs, skunks, and even earthworms.
Ministry response: correct. This informant is being considered for honorary membership, or for an attic.
I have one who brings his own spoon and waits by the bird feeder. I'm waiting for him to ring the doorbell.
Ministry response: he will not ring. He will be inside already. The spoon is for the peanut butter you keep in the pantry.
That's because they are eating everyone's pumpkins!
Ministry response: see Terms of Surrender, article 2. It is a tax, not a theft.
Our squirrels are really plump too. Gearing up for a bad winter, maybe?
Ministry response: the Society is well provisioned. You may draw your own conclusions about what that means for your bird seed.
Total nuisance.
Ministry response: noted, and filed under "pending re-education." A representative will visit your gutter.
Public Surveillance Notice
New cameras have been installed throughout Hanover Township. They are not for traffic. Each one is monitored around the clock by a rotating squirrel on the pole beside it. Please wave. It helps us confirm the angle.
Window-sill observation posts remain in operation. Do not tap the glass. It is rude, and he will just come back tomorrow.
Terms of Surrender
- All bird feeders will be redesignated as squirrel feeders. "Squirrel-proof" models are an act of aggression and will be treated as such.
- Porch pumpkins are now a seasonal tax. Do not replace the eaten ones; that only encourages us, and we are already encouraged.
- Dogs must remain leashed during official Society business, which is always.
- Every Hanover Twp household shall leave one (1) unsalted peanut on the deck railing each morning. Salted peanuts will be accepted but noted.
- The Society reserves the right to run across power lines at any time, for any reason, while making direct eye contact.
- Window sills are hereby designated Society observation posts. Curtains may be drawn, but we will know.
- Any agent arriving with his own spoon is to be served first.
Pledge Allegiance Early
Collaborators receive priority status and reduced attic occupancy.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is this legal?
We are squirrels. We do not recognize your township ordinances, your HOA, or your concept of "property lines."
Who leads the Society?
The Supreme Chitterer, whose identity is secret. He is the one on your fence right now. No, the other one.
Why is one of them staring at me through the window?
Routine census. Please continue what you were doing. He is taking notes.
Why are they so fat this year?
Winter is coming, and so are we. Also, your neighbour's feeder is very well stocked.
Can we negotiate?
Negotiations open with a bag of walnuts and proceed from there. They do not proceed far.
What happened to Easton's resistance?
They put out a cayenne-pepper feeder. We sneezed, regrouped, and ate it anyway.